Do you ever just wonder what Jesus was thinking? I mean, we have all sorts of stories from the bible about what he said and what he did, but no one tells us what he really thought—what was going on in his head. I’ve often wondered what was going on in his head the week leading up to the crucifixion. By that point, he knew what was going to happen to him. How on earth did he deal with it? But more than that, I get to thinking about how young he was. He was only 33 years old! That’s my age. Now when I was a kid, 33 seemed old…really old, but now that I’m in my 30’s I realize how young that really is. I can’t believe that someone my age did all that Jesus did. I can’t imagine having that much power, influence, and responsibility at my age.
We never really know what Jesus was thinking...all we have are small glimmers from scripture.
But I can’t even begin to imagine what would be going through his head. Really, what must he have been thinking in those last days. What was on his mind when he rode through the city ofJerusalem with people waving their palms and shouting their hosannas. Did he sit on the back of that donkey and smile? Was he thinking about how wonderful the support was? Did he know that they would all turn their backs just a few days later? His enemies were in the city that day too. They were looking on at the celebration. They had already started their plotting against him. Did he know? What did he really think about the High Priests?
What of the turmoil at the temple? So many people…so many sick and dying seeking healing, so many others seeking their own personal gain…money changers, chaos. We know he wasn’t happy about what was going on…that he railed against those who would use the Temple for purposes other than worship. Surely he thought badly about them?
But we don’t know…as much as we try to understand the events of that week, we never really know what Jesus was thinking. Scripture doesn’t tell us, and we certainly can’t read his mind. All we have are small glimmers from scripture, like perhaps Jesus praying at Gesthemane when he prays:
“My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; yet not what I want but what you want. If this cannot pass unless I drink it, your will be done.”
This is one of those moments where we see just a glimpse of the man behind the stories…where we see the raw humanity of Jesus as he realizes what he is facing and as he confronts his fears. Can you imagine how he might have felt at 33 years old, knowing he was about to be murdered? For me, this moment is captured most beautifully in the musical Jesus Christ Superstar.
You see, each year during Holy Week, I listen to the soundtrack from JCS over and over again. Now, I personally prefer the version done in the 90’s by the indigo girls because it is much darker than the 70’s version, but that’s not important. Anyway, the most poignant moment for me is this scene in the garden…it captures what I imagine might have been just how he was feeling that night.
I only want to say
If there is a way
Take this cup away from me
For I don't want to taste its poison
Feel it burn me,
I have changed I'm not as sure
As when we started
Then I was inspired
Now I'm sad and tired
Listen surely I've exceeded
Expectations
Tried for three years
Seems like thirty
Could you as as much
From any other man?
But if I die
See the saga through
And do the things you ask of me
Let them hate me, hit me, hurt me
Nail me to their tree
I'd want to know
I'd want to know my God
Why I should die
Would I be more noticed
Then I ever was before?
Would the things I've said and done
Matter any more?
I'd have to know
I'd have to know my Lord
If I die what will be my reward?
Why, why should I die?
Oh, why should I die?
Can you show me now
That I would not be killed in vain?
Show me just a little
Of your omnipresent brain
Show me there's a reason
For your wanting me to die
You're far to keen on where and how
But not so hot on why
Alright I'll die!
Just watch me die!
Se how, see how I die!
Oh, just watch me die!
Then I was inspired
Now I'm sad and tired
After all I've tried for three years
Seems like ninety
Why then am I scared
To finish what I started
What you started
I didn't start it
God thy will is hard
But you hold every card
I will drink your cup of poison
Nail me to your cross and break me
Bleed me, beat me
Kill me, take me now
Before I change my mind 1
This is the Jesus I imagine…this scared angry Jesus who doesn’t want to die and doesn’t quite understand the whole plan. This is the Jesus I understand, this is the 33 year old Jesus who doesn’t want to do it anymore, but can’t seem to stop the events from happening. This is the Jesus that makes sense to me.
Those who are out to get me...give them a taste of their own medicine.
But…what if this is not what he was thinking? And this is where I found myself as I sat down to write today’s homily. I turned to the Psalm for today and it hit me… This is what I heard:
God! Please hurry to my rescue! God, come quickly to my side! Those who are out to get me - let them fall all over themselves. Those who relish my downfall - send them down a blind alley. Give them a taste of their own medicine, those gossips off clucking their tongues. Let those on the hunt for you sing and celebrate. Let all who love your saving way say over and over, "God is mighty!" But I've lost it. I'm wasted. God - quickly, quickly! Quick to my side, quick to my rescue! God, don't lose a minute.2
And then I wondered. What if THIS is what Jesus was thinking? It’s not an impossiblitiy, I mean the Psalms had been written and recorded and were already in common use by the time of Jesus. He probably knew this psalm. And just as we are quick to turn to the psalms when we are scared or lonely or hurting, what’s to say that Jesus hadn’t done the same thing. We know he spent some time in the temple during his last week, maybe this was one of the things he read? Maybe not. But I can’t help but wonder. It does make sense…based on the Passage from Matthew and what we know from the “last words” from the cross. Could this be what he was thinking? I wonder…
1 Lyrics by Tim Rice
2 Scripture from "The Message"