It took me a long time in my adult life to realize I wanted to be a mother. For years and years, I had rejected the idea entirely. It was just never something that I wanted. Those feelings changed somewhat when my first nephew was born. My parents all but raised Brandon, so it was having a little brother all over again- but this time I was in my early twenties and secure in my own life plans, so I got to enjoy Brandon rather than “put up with” a baby brother. I loved getting to be Brandon’s aunt. I took him on so many fun adventures- we went to amusement parks, the ice rink, a train ride on Thomas the Train, and so much more. I made all his early birthday cakes and truly enjoyed being around him.
One by one, all of my friends from college also began having children, and I guess, as it does, my own biological clock started ticking louder and louder. But some physical difficulties stood in the way, and then there was seminary, and then I moved and it just never worked. In 2012, I got pregnant by accident. This was while I was working at Planned Parenthood, which is a tad ironic if you think about it. But sadly, on the same morning I found out I was pregnant, I had a miscarriage. And when I told my partner, they were glad it had happened because he had never wanted another child anyway.
And I laughed.
Sure, I cried a lot that day too. It was awful and devastating and heartwrenching. But when he said that? I cackled. I’m not sure why I laughed- probably some sense of self-preservation or recognition or something, but I sure did laugh.
That relationship ended, thank goodness, and I got married. My then-wife and I tried several rounds of IUI to have a baby. On the day we found out that our fourth try had failed, we were sitting in temple Shabbat services when THIS very scripture was read. I’ll never forget that moment, because tears were streaming down my face one moment and I was laughing the next.
It happened again just 3 years ago. After many rounds of IVF, I was indeed pregnant again and expecting a longed-for child. But at about six weeks, I lost that baby too. On the way home from the doctor that day, with the love of family and friends, I was able to laugh again.
In the sadness of those moments, laughter seemed to be the only thing that made sense.
Laughter was the only response that made sense to Sarah when she heard she was to have a child.. She was old…quite old, especially old for the time and location, and far beyond the time in a woman’s life when pregnancy was possible. She was too old and had tried too many times to believe that it was possible. Sarah said, "After I am worn out, and my lord is old, shall I have pleasure?" Her laughter was a response of disbelief and doubt, not necessarily directed at God Himself. This laughter was not about Sarah doubting God or laughing directly at God. It was a laugh of disbelief. God, who knew her thoughts, questioned Abraham about Sarah's laughter, saying, "Why did Sarah laugh and say, 'Shall I indeed bear a child, now that I am old?'" (Genesis 18:13). Sarah initially denied laughing out of fear, but God reassured her that nothing is impossible, saying “Is there anything too difficult for the Lord?”
“This question is heard in the setting of what seemed like a closed future, which from a human perspective could not be opened. However, the question reminds a childless mother of the unlimited possibilities at the disposal of the LORD, even as she sees her future from her limited human perspective. God will not fail to fulfill God's promise concerning a son for her. God is portrayed as omniscient, the One who knows Sarah's innermost thoughts and can bestow fertility upon a post-menopausal woman. God's question is not merely rhetorical; it is an invitation to initiate the unbelieving woman who has accepted her childlessness as an unalterable reality of life, into the world of belief in the creative, life-giving power of the LORD”(Parker)
Sarah was so convinced that God was wrong, that she gave her slave girl, Hagar, to Abraham. And of course, Hagar got pregnant. So while this pregnancy, and birth, would assure that God’s covenant to Abraham would come to fruition, it doesn’t solve the problem of Sarah bearing a child. And for the most part, a woman’s worth in that time was determined by her ability to provide children- specifically male children. So Hagar gave birth to Ishmael, and God’s promise to Abraham was technically fulfilled. But we know that God is not a god of technicalities. And God had told Sarah that SHE would have a child.
And, later in Genesis, Sarah does indeed give birth to a son, Isaac. The name- Yitsak (the Hebrew word for Isaac) means “he laughs” or “will laugh” or “laughing.” Abraham and Sarah named their child in honor of the night when God told them Isaac was possible. Her laugh of disbelief had become a laugh of joy.
Now I know today is Father’s Day, and here I am telling the story of a mother. But it seems to me that this is significant. The promise to Abraham could not be fulfilled by Abraham alone. The women in his life had to have children in order for him to become the “father of many nations.” We’ve spent eons celebrating “Father Abraham” and learning songs about him, without remembering the women who made him a Father. And both Hagar and Sarah provided Abraham with the sons that would become the fathers of two great nations of people. The descendants of Ishmael would become the tribes of the Arabic nations, and the descendants of Isaac would become the tribes of Israel. Both sons, then, fulfilled God’s great promise to Israel.
The promise from God is at the heart of this story- God’s promise to Abraham, and then God’s promise to Sarah. And I suppose some folks would say that this story is a powerful reminder not to laugh at God when God makes a promise. But I think I disagree.
I think it’s ok to laugh. If God told me today that I’d have a baby? I’d fall over laughing. I’ve had 4 rounds of IUI, multiple rounds of IVF, at least two miscarriages, and a LOT of dashed hopes. I’m pretty sure motherhood isn’t in the cards for me. And I would probably laugh at anyone who told me that it was possible at this point. I can totally tell where Sarah’s laughter came from!
But let me tell you where MY laughter comes from these days.
That first Nephew of mine? He’s a father to an amazing, funny, silly little boy named Layton who is always up to no good and as cute as can be. And Layton is going to be a big brother in just a couple of months. My other nephew, Parker- just hit his first-ever bunt in a baseball game this week. He also gave a beautiful speech at the end of his sixth-grade promotion ceremony. My beloved Lily is figuring out life as a young adult, while still being completely silly sometimes. And her little brother Dean is making lemonade and pup-cups at his front yard lemonade stand. I recently finished my scrapbook for 2022, and so many of the pages in it are filled with pictures of other people’s children- Brandon, Layton, Parker, Lily, and Dean. I am grateful for each of these beautiful children and for the fathers and mothers that created them. I am grateful to get to play a part in their lives and share their stories. But even more than that I’m grateful that they are part of MY stories, that they have filled my days with laughter and joy in ways I didn’t know were possible. God never promised me a child, but I feel like God has provided me with the blessings of family anyway.
God’s promise to Abraham was fulfilled twice- both in unexpected ways. In Hagar and Ishmael, in Sarah and Isacc. In countless generations singing “Father Abraham had many sons, Many sons had Father Abraham, I am one of them and so are you…” at church camps and Vacation Bible Schools. God keeps promises- and while it doesn’t always look the way we might think it should, we should still celebrate. And maybe laugh a little, too. Amen.